October 25, 2004

October 25, 2004

It amazes me how I can turn something perfectly normal and functioning
into something neurotic and confusing.  Instead of feeling pleased
with myself because I’m breaking records by writing two blog entries in
a week, I’m feeling guilty because I should be doing something
else.  However,  when I finish this I’ll feel like I
accomplished something, which will in turn motivate me to do what I
should have been doing in the first place, thus taking away the guilt
I’m feeling right now.  But what good does it do me to take away
the guilt I am feeling now, after I am already done feeling it?
   Instead of writing this entry I should be…
1. Filling out my absentee ballot. (which I don’t want to do, seeing as I have no clue what to vote for)
2.  Returning a call to a customer I don’t want to talk to. (kudos
to all you people who talk to strangers everyday and survive)
3.  Trying to fix the possessed fuse in my car.  (it is really
too cold outside to even consider it) (I don’t know how my husband does
it, must be that Ohio blood)
4.  Mailing the birthday present to my cousin whose birthday I
forgot yesterday ( my brain betrayed me, I reminded myself on Sat. to
call him on Sun.)
5.  Talking myself into going to the meeting tonight.  (do I
really need to go to a business meeting where there’s silly disco music
playing while women wearing bright red lipstick and painted smiles walk
around applauding and laughing like…like.. like Kelly Bishop from Gilmore Girls ?)
6.  Finishing my homework for bible study. (I don’t want to go. I
don’t like it, and then I get there and have a great time and wonder
why I didn’t want to go in the first place)
After all that (which I realize isn’t that much) I’ll let myself do
something fun, like making chocolate chip cookies with my littlest
blonde haired sister.  ….Ok, now I’m motivated.

October 22, 2004

October 22, 2004

A week goes by and I haven’t written in my blog, I tell myself  it’s not a big deal, journals have no rules about how often you have to write in them, you can just do it tomorrow.  Tomorrow comes and goes, a week, two weeks.  Now I know I
have to write a blog entry, there’s no getting around it, but it has to
be a really good one to make up for the lack of mediocre ones.
Something particularly brilliant, funny or thought provoking.  The
problem is I can’t think of anything remotely good, not even one
worthless unimportant thought worth mentioning.  I  realize
how boring my life really is (happy…very happy, but boring
nonetheless), how crazy it was to start a blog in the first place, and
decide to just forget about the whole xanga thing. 
    After a very freeing month of not feeling guilty,
I’m pretty much assured nobody even comes near my blog, which makes it
available for all the comforting mediocrity in the world.  It’s
the very long road (or perhaps it’s a circle, I’m not sure) of
convincing yourself nobody reads it, and not quite as effective as just
setting it up to be private in the first place.  All very
predictable behavior for a certain curly haired little girl who is
absolutely obsessed about what people think about, which is a rather
honest confession for her,  even if her blog is people-free.
However seeing as lots of people confess it (in fact it’s almost a
cliche) nobody will realize how terribly true it is. 
     Now, back to the first person. 
Speaking of which, I couldn’t decide whether  to write in the
first second or third person, or perhaps no person at all. 
But that’s of no consequence, because I had fun writing it.  In
fact so much fun,  I’ll probably write again next week.