May 8, 2005

May 8, 2005

Things They Never Tell You…
   Before you are pregnant, you dubiously wonder how bad it
can be.  It’s a well known fact there are mothers everywhere
who would be happy to share their frightening horror stories from
pregnancy and childbirth (whether or not you wanted to hear them), and
yet somehow, when we picture it, we still manage to build an imaginary
world where we’re this slender beautiful woman with this adorable
basketball shaped tummy swathed in fashionable maternity clothes, while
our handsome husband solicitously waits on us hand and foot (your
husband can of course afford to to this because he’s independently
wealthy).  While I thought I had an advantage over some,  I’m
finding I
really haven’t any idea what can happen while you’re
pregnant.   Besides the common
I-feel-like-my-freaking-stomach-has-joined-the-union, and the constant
need to go pee, or the spacey I’m-going-to-pass-out-any-minute feeling
(thanks to all the extra blood you suddenly acquire),  combined
with utter,  mind numbing fatigue that makes pushing the clutch
down in your car seem like an intense work out;  here are a few
things nobody ever told me to possibly expect during
pregnancy.   You generally find out about one of these
strange symptoms from one of the thousands of pamphlets than suddenly
inundate your mail box, or the casual comment from your doctor (“I see
your breasts haven’t got purple stripes on them yet?”).  The
stranger ones include but are not
limited to:

• Hairy Tummy. apparently
  we’re not supposed to be shocked if our midsection suddenly looks like
  we’re related to Chewbacca. and we’re also supposed to be grateful it
  “most likely” will disappear after we deliver the baby.
• Stretch Marks, 
  while many of us know these are a possibility, they’re  actually
  a  90% probability and not limited to your stomach.  They’re
  also likely to appear on your breasts, butt, thighs…ok just about
  anywhere.
• Spreading Nose.  Yep,
  your nose actually gets wider and/or longer when you’re pregnant.
  Something to do with the onslaught of foreign hormones.  At least
  that’s what they say…
• Expanding pelvis and/or Ribcage.  Blamed
  on another hormone (Riga-something) your ligaments relax allowing your
  bones to actually move (hey, at least now you can do Gumbi
  impersonations, just be thankful you’re not green also…yet). You may
  never see your size two jeans again, no matter how much weight you
  lose…can anyone say, “horse hips”?
• Poor Eyesight.
  Your eyes may cease to focus, you may become nearsighted (if you’re
  already nearsighted then you may become legally blind), and you will
  probably be forced to give up your contacts.  This too will
  pass  after you are no longer pregnant.
  

These may all seem weird or farfetched (I swear I didn’t make them up)
but I saved my most recent discovery for last.  Quoted from a
medical pamphlet given to me by my doctor.  “…during the second
trimester, female genitalia may become swollen,  sometimes
resulting in a loss of erection in partner during sexual
intercourse”   ….What the freakin heck?!?!?