June 1, 2005

June 1, 2005

Surreptitiously…

     The word rolls around in my head like a broken record.  My brain has taken a break from the normal “two-lines-of-song” that changes periodically (but is always stuck in my head), it has instead found great pleasure in repeating “surreptitiously” over and over.  For the most part it hasn’t escaped, but this morning the receptionist at the mechanic asked me how many miles were on my car and out-slipped “Surreptitiously” before I could stop it.  She gave me one of those polite but confused looks and I was supremely grateful that my one demonstration of Tourette’s syndrome features a word like “Surreptitiously” instead of …something else.  

     I’m not really sure of its meaning or definition.  I associate it closely to secrecy, but it’s somehow more vague and deep at the same time….It’s sneakier.   I rarely use words correctly, so I try to steer clear of actually using them in a sentence (unless of course I’m trying to amuse somebody).    I don’t know which is more pathetic, to have a fairly large vocabulary which you’re too stupid to use (nor inspired to improve) or have no vocabulary to begin with.   I shall vote for the former as it provides the small comfort of being surreptitiously more elite.  (hmmm…I don’t think that works, I’ll try again)  I surreptitiously use books to avoid arguments.    It’s my secret weapon. (and I sincerely hope nobody I actually need to use this on ever sees this)

     One would hope that I would get something far more valuable from reading: Typical things like, knowledge, wisdom…or vocabulary. Instead I find myself using it to hide behind when someone is vehemently trying to prove rock music has the same effects on my brain as heroin (don’t let them read the first paragraph…although I’m pretty sure heroin can’t cause Tourette’s, that’s some other drug of which I will claim ignorance of). For some reason people ignorantly assume they can “convert” me if they give me propaganda…I mean literature  “…if you’ll just read this book ” they earnestly plead.  I’m more than happy to oblige. They have no way of knowing that I can consume it in less time than it takes them to drink a cup of coffee (ok, ok…gross exaggeration) and the poor book has more hope of convincing a gecko (hey gecko’s are pretty smart) than me.  Good thing too, otherwise I’d have been a Buddhist by twelve and an Atheist by fifteen.

        As a kid, people would severely underestimate my reading capability and when they discovered I was fairly adept at consuming the written word, they’d promptly launch into a narrative like  “this one time, at band camp….I knew this kid who could read faster than you”   It probably would have insulted my pride more than it did, if it weren’t for the fact I was already acclimated to that sort of thing via my curly hair (and I definitely had no control over that).  I don’t know why people felt obligated to exclaim how curly my hair was while assuring me they knew somebody else with curlier hair.   My five-year-old self thought it must be a grown-up thing, but my twenty-one-year-old self is still clueless.   Maybe I have an exalted ego that is so obviously absurd people think they are doing me a favor by assuring me I’m less spectacular than I allegedly think I am.   It’s not working.    

The good news is, I currently have books on Dispensationalism, Quantum physics and Christian Science that I would not otherwise have thought to read.  The people who so faithfully believe I will read them and “turn from the error of my ways,” are content with the knowledge they’ve done all they can…and I’ve happily fed my addiction and avoided confrontation at the same time…It’s a beautiful system.