July 3, 2005
All righty…in my
defense, I tried. I really did, but
even my super patient, forgiving self can only take so much Christian crap
before I either spontaneously combust or stand up and start yelling at the
pastor. We’re visiting my childhood church (although now there’s a different
pastor) and right now I’m studiously writing away in my little notebook, which
I conveniently found in my purse. Me,
who am almost never prepared for anything, actually had something useful when I
needed it. (this coming from the girl who can’t even remember to keep a tampon
in her purse)
defense, I tried. I really did, but
even my super patient, forgiving self can only take so much Christian crap
before I either spontaneously combust or stand up and start yelling at the
pastor. We’re visiting my childhood church (although now there’s a different
pastor) and right now I’m studiously writing away in my little notebook, which
I conveniently found in my purse. Me,
who am almost never prepared for anything, actually had something useful when I
needed it. (this coming from the girl who can’t even remember to keep a tampon
in her purse)
I’m getting
impressed looks from the people around me.
I’m sure they’re awed by the exhaustive notes I appear to be taking on
this sermon. Truth is I couldn’t be
paying less attention. (go ahead, start throwing rotten fruit at me…at least a
self righteous gasp) I was obediently
attentive for the first forty-five minutes (I swear I must have adult ADD and
forty-five minutes was pushing the limit).
However, when I realized we had only covered the first three points in a
twenty-point sermon, and we were digressing from your typical, boring sermon to
using scare tactics combined with “key” verses from Proverbs to produce some
sort of hysteria about our country’s safety (apparently terrorists are going to
kill us all…and…lets kill all the Muslims) I decided enough was enough. I’m now humming la la la to myself and
trying to figure out how many skittles I can have… if I have twelve skittles and church
supposedly gets out in an hour, then I can have one skittle every five minutes. The distraction is not working, I
accidentally catch a snippet of what the pastor’s saying, “…It saddens me to
tell you that statistically, only 65% of Christians have ever led a person to
accept Christ” Aghh..!! I’m about
to start mentally arranging the skittles in a pattern based on color ranging
from my least favorite to my favorite, when my husband leans over and whispers
in my ear “Arrogant bastard (meaning the pastor)…statistically speaking,
100% percent of Christians have never led anybody to accept Christ. Last I heard, Christ did all the leading and
accepting”. Ahhh…thank God for
Jim. Knowing this one sermon will
provide at least an hour of entertaining conversation for us, I’m almost convinced
I can survive the experience.
impressed looks from the people around me.
I’m sure they’re awed by the exhaustive notes I appear to be taking on
this sermon. Truth is I couldn’t be
paying less attention. (go ahead, start throwing rotten fruit at me…at least a
self righteous gasp) I was obediently
attentive for the first forty-five minutes (I swear I must have adult ADD and
forty-five minutes was pushing the limit).
However, when I realized we had only covered the first three points in a
twenty-point sermon, and we were digressing from your typical, boring sermon to
using scare tactics combined with “key” verses from Proverbs to produce some
sort of hysteria about our country’s safety (apparently terrorists are going to
kill us all…and…lets kill all the Muslims) I decided enough was enough. I’m now humming la la la to myself and
trying to figure out how many skittles I can have… if I have twelve skittles and church
supposedly gets out in an hour, then I can have one skittle every five minutes. The distraction is not working, I
accidentally catch a snippet of what the pastor’s saying, “…It saddens me to
tell you that statistically, only 65% of Christians have ever led a person to
accept Christ” Aghh..!! I’m about
to start mentally arranging the skittles in a pattern based on color ranging
from my least favorite to my favorite, when my husband leans over and whispers
in my ear “Arrogant bastard (meaning the pastor)…statistically speaking,
100% percent of Christians have never led anybody to accept Christ. Last I heard, Christ did all the leading and
accepting”. Ahhh…thank God for
Jim. Knowing this one sermon will
provide at least an hour of entertaining conversation for us, I’m almost convinced
I can survive the experience.
Up until now,
I’ve managed to combine humor, sarcasm and skittles to keep myself from being
truly bothered by what’s being said, but now church is over, people are
standing up to leave and I’m sitting here holding a little cracker and some
grape juice in my hand, wondering how I missed the most important part of the
service. I look awkwardly around me
and see everybody else has already partaken of communion, how did I miss the
blessing? I wonder, when my sister
informs me there is no blessing, no prayer…nothing. I hastily swallow my grape juice on my way out the door and
humbly pray for God’s forgiveness.
I’ve managed to combine humor, sarcasm and skittles to keep myself from being
truly bothered by what’s being said, but now church is over, people are
standing up to leave and I’m sitting here holding a little cracker and some
grape juice in my hand, wondering how I missed the most important part of the
service. I look awkwardly around me
and see everybody else has already partaken of communion, how did I miss the
blessing? I wonder, when my sister
informs me there is no blessing, no prayer…nothing. I hastily swallow my grape juice on my way out the door and
humbly pray for God’s forgiveness.
It feels like blasphemy.
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